From pint of beer sims to flatulence-based prurience, pointless apps are ten a penny at the iPhone App Store. But only the truly terrible have made our list of the worst ever.
1 Baby Shaker
This emetic slab of appsploitation puts the fate of an incessantly crying baby in your hands. Your options: Gently shake your phone and ease the young ‘un into restful sleep. Or shake it violently until cartoon 'X's' appear in its eyes to let you know it's dead. Apparently, this masterclass of offensiveness was in aid of raising awareness of the stress and sleeplessness of parenthood. Oh well, that’s alright then.
Dubious media monopolies and egregious jokes about President Obama’s skin colour mark Silvio Berlusconi out as the world’s most hateful and least stately statesman. But next to the nation’s wartime fascist leader Mussolini, sex pest Silvio looks like Ghandi.
Even so, that didn’t stop making this compilation of 25 of his speeches becoming the top selling app in Italy’s version of the App Store. It wasn’t until actual Holocaust survivors piped up and hinted that ‘y’know this is a bit offensive’ and ‘kinda glorifies fascism’ that Apple did the decent thing and banned it.
3 Amp Up Before You Score
Hard to think now that Pepsi was one stage running Coke glug for glug for the title of the world’s most popular sugary beverage. It’s harder still to imagine that they hoped that this promotional app for their Amp Energy drink would win it any new fans.
Amp Up Before You Score featured 24 types of women who were categorised under sub-sets like nerd, tree hugger and foreign exchange student - all the better for knuckle-headed jocks to identify them. Alongside each were apposite chat-up lines, such as: "You know the Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. I wonder what else she shaves?". Naturally a storm of protest ensued.
The result? PRmaggedon for Pepsi. At a stroke, millions of female Pepsi customers were alienated. That was followed soon after by an angry Twittermob campaign to get people to drink Coke instead.
4 I Am Rich
Got an iPhone and $999 burning a hole in your pocket? Then you’ll be sorry you missed out on I Am Rich. For your greenbacks, you get a gigantic glowing diamond and a sense of fleeting satisfaction that you could afford to throw a G away. Amazingly eight people bought it, before it disappeared from the shelves of the App Store as quickly and mysteriously as it arrived.
A spoof app called somewhat inevitably, if not entirely accurately, I Am Richer is on sale now at the Android Market for a cool $200. Bargain.
5 Teen Drug Use: 34 Warning Signs
Not sure if the nocturnal adolescent in your life just really, really likes crisps or has what we’re told are called ‘the munchies’? Then this app is for you. Just look at the over-acting in that photo – makes legendarily clueless documentary Reefer Madness look like Trainspotting.
6 Hold The Button
Press the button in the middle of the screen. Then press it some more and see how long you can hold it for. That’s it. That’s the whole app.
7 Calm Candle
I once got a candle as a birthday present from a girlfriend. Can you believe it? I mean, A CANDLE! It's fine for girls to buy one another that kind of thing. But what’s a boy supposed to do with it?
Still, I’d be even more irked if someone got me this app, which is a video of a candle burning down. Presumably it's aimed at the crystals and tantric healing set. But surely even cotton-wool-headed New Agers aren’t stupid enough to fall for this?
8 Pocket Heat
According to its shyster developers, Pocket Heat turns your iPhone into a mini hand radiator by generating "a blast of heat wherever you need it; waiting for a train, a chilly restaurant, or a cold apartment."
It does nothing of the sort, of course, as the deluge of piqued, one star customer ratings at the App Store reveal. Apparently you get no warmth, but run the phone battery in five seconds flat.
HangTime instructs buyers to throw their iPhones into the air and records the time it takes for them to return to its owner’s hands. Said phone flingers are then invited to share their best performances with fellow enthusiasts.
Up to you I suppose, butterfingers, but do you really want to risk hundreds of pounds of smartphone being reduced to a bunch of sad shards on the pavement?
10 iGirl - She Obeys
Too ‘fraidy to get yourself a real woman? No matter, the iGirl is here for you. This virtual girlfriend obeys your every whim, whether that’s to change her hair colour or, ahem, perform a private dance. All well and good I suppose, if you like that sort of thing. But it’s worth remembering that your iPhone won’t keep you warm at night.